[she frowns a little. i don't know if she ever quite understood that.]
She spoke to me yesterday, after being silent for a long time. And it was quite upsetting, because I don't like how she can just withhold her assistance as it suits her. [she sounds hurt by that.] But as I said, she can be a bit nasty. What she did to all of them is no surprise. [so it wasn't a different delilah, apparently.]
Well. Perhaps you're right. Perhaps I only imagined her. I don't know how to feel about that, Ashlyn. I like knowing she can't see or hear me or interrupt me at any time, but in a place as dangerous as this, I can't help but feel deserted.
...I'm not sure if I can be "alive," or whatever it is I am, without the piece of her in me. For a long time, I wished to be rid of her. She was nothing but a nuisance, and I had Imogen and others and I didn't need her whispering in my mind, making demands and reminding me of such painful memories.
But then my friends went to considerable effort to... not kill her, but diminish her, diminish her so greatly that she wouldn't trouble me again as long as I was very careful not to do anything that she could use to regain power. And I - I made a mistake. And I brought her back.
And now I'm not sure I want to be rid of her after all. It was so much harder without her. Is that terrible?
[ okay. the situation is definitely out of the realm of ash's very limited expertise... but she doesn't want to give it genuine consideration, because she likes laudna, but also considers herself decent at staying impartial. ]
Well... Mistakes are always going to happen. And things that are familiar feel easier to handle, so it makes sense to want to go back to how things were?
But sometimes the change is better, even if it's harder. That's how having friends is. It's harder and I didn't want them. If we weren't stuck together, we wouldn't be friends. But they're my friends, and I want to be with them now.
[ this is as best she can relate. and also kind of goes against the advice she'd given to laudna before, but... there are layers to it. ]
[this is pretty relatable stuff. it hurts to hear, though.]
I suppose I feel as though I may have already foreclosed the possibility of that change. So perhaps I've only been trying to convince myself that it's for the best.
[she does love her friends, too. she wants them. she doesn't want them to be angry and afraid of what's happening to her.]
[well. at about this point she does understand ashlyn is talking about her own feelings. she wants to explain that yes, and this is her doing the best she can, but...]
I suppose that's how it is for you, as well. It's difficult to accept not being able to do it yourself.
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She spoke to me yesterday, after being silent for a long time. And it was quite upsetting, because I don't like how she can just withhold her assistance as it suits her. [she sounds hurt by that.] But as I said, she can be a bit nasty. What she did to all of them is no surprise. [so it wasn't a different delilah, apparently.]
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Everyone else is cut off from anyone that's not here. A lot of people were hearing things yesterday. So...
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[she seems uncertain, but.]
Well. Perhaps you're right. Perhaps I only imagined her. I don't know how to feel about that, Ashlyn. I like knowing she can't see or hear me or interrupt me at any time, but in a place as dangerous as this, I can't help but feel deserted.
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[ she feels like she's not phrasing this right. ]
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...I'm not sure if I can be "alive," or whatever it is I am, without the piece of her in me. For a long time, I wished to be rid of her. She was nothing but a nuisance, and I had Imogen and others and I didn't need her whispering in my mind, making demands and reminding me of such painful memories.
But then my friends went to considerable effort to... not kill her, but diminish her, diminish her so greatly that she wouldn't trouble me again as long as I was very careful not to do anything that she could use to regain power. And I - I made a mistake. And I brought her back.
And now I'm not sure I want to be rid of her after all. It was so much harder without her. Is that terrible?
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Well... Mistakes are always going to happen. And things that are familiar feel easier to handle, so it makes sense to want to go back to how things were?
But sometimes the change is better, even if it's harder. That's how having friends is. It's harder and I didn't want them. If we weren't stuck together, we wouldn't be friends. But they're my friends, and I want to be with them now.
[ this is as best she can relate. and also kind of goes against the advice she'd given to laudna before, but... there are layers to it. ]
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I suppose I feel as though I may have already foreclosed the possibility of that change. So perhaps I've only been trying to convince myself that it's for the best.
[she does love her friends, too. she wants them. she doesn't want them to be angry and afraid of what's happening to her.]
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... Then just change again. And see if you still think that and decide then.
[ no, ]
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I'm trying. I'm trying to change. I don't want them to feel like they need to keep protecting me.
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It has to go both ways.
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I suppose that's how it is for you, as well. It's difficult to accept not being able to do it yourself.
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Sure. No one likes hitting the wall of their limitations.
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[because she's so brave and surprisingly thoughtful.]
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Maybe? That's not the point, though.