[ he looks at her, then looks away. what's he supposed to say? thanks? it's a little hard to be consoled, all things considered, but it really is the thought that counts. ]
A wise woman once told me that the best option is not to lose anyone, but the second best is vengeance. People will say it isn't healthy to hold onto their anger, but I don't see where it's meant to go otherwise.
You know, the last time my life was ruined, I almost did. I should've. If this shit's gonna keep happening why-- why let it? It's not fucking fair. And I don't wanna keep living feeling like this.
[i love cr where we just encourage each other to be worse...]
I understand, a little. Being unable to let go of anger did ruin my life, I suppose. But I think perhaps it was already ruined, or it was inevitable it would become so. So why not?
[a sad little laugh. that comment kinda assigns you gay though so sorry about that bud]
He was a good man and one of our little household, for better or for worse. As are you, whether or not you choose to stay there. [no judgment if he prefers somewhere else, after all of this.] I want to learn what became of him.
[oh sorry for weird reactions always, but she presses her hands together and smiles at this.]
Oh my, Tomi. You terrified that man. Good for you.
[that's much more fun than revenge, actually. this memory should definitely show her that she was wrong to encourage him to bloodthirst but in general this is actually quite cool, ichiban is right.]
If I find whoever killed him, then maybe... But, I know Ichiban. He wasn't possessed and I'm pretty sure whoever killed him wasn't either. They chose to do it. That's pure fucking evil.
Well. The Overseers did confirm it was someone who was possessed by a monster. But it was an especially brutal death - I think the monsters draw from who we are as people.
[so she certainly doesn't disagree with his right to hate them.]
[ maybe if tomi didn't ignore the overseers at every opportunity he could have been clued into this, but, that's on him. it still doesn't change his feelings on the matter. ]
...Yeah, I think so too. So, I guess it doesn't really matter if they were possessed or not. They're still shit.
I don't know. Like, I want... Fuck, man, if it was that easy to take them out like I could have with Dwight, then-- I don't know. I don't wanna sink to that level. But threats aren't going to work on monsters.
I think it's alright if you don't want to sink to that level. Ichiban seemed proud of you, for not giving in to pure rage in that moment. Maybe I was wrong.
[she said all of those things about revenge because it makes her feel better, to put her emotions into something, and she didn't know how else to help. but there's something that feels so positive about watching him decide to handle it a different way.]
Yeah, he was on a totally different level. It was just like, it's effortless for him.
[ which, he knows isn't necessarily true. but no matter what, ichiban could just get up and keeping fighting, pushing forward, all to do something better. tomi isn't like that. he never will be like that, but... he can take these little steps and maybe get somewhere close. ]
[well. i don't have much to say about this one. this is rough. i think laudna is hanging out by the pyre, doing her embroidery, crying nasty looking black goopy tears silently to herself.]
[ everything is awful all the time. and, man, he can't just leave her alone when she's looking like that-- it's a far cry from how he expected to see her.
so he sits nearby, leaving a careful distance between the two of them. ]
Sorry. [ a pause. ] It's been a real shitty week, hasn't it?
I think pinpointing the reason why or the moment when people become friends is a fool's errand. I think you wake up one day and realize that you simply are.
Then, that makes things harder, I think. Y'know, just... getting to know someone like that and losing them.
[ he is not very good at explaining his process here, and he isn't even sure what the point he's trying to make is, but- she was there for him, so he's trying to be there for her, even if he isn't very good at it. ]
To survive here, a certain degree of pain seems to be necessary. But have you considered, at all, the benefits of finding your partner? If you did, perhaps you could still save the one you've lost.
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week 1; friday
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...I'm sorry about your friend.
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...Why'd it have to be him.
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[almost curtly; she does want to be kind, but she's also quite bitter about it.]
This place and these people are cruel.
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[ yeah he can't find it in himself to be nice even in the haze of his total emotional devastation ]
Screw this place. And it's fucking cult ritual murder bullshit.
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[...]
The cult, I mean, of course, but if someone did this opportunistically, them as well.
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...Yeah. Not a bad idea.
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You know, the last time my life was ruined, I almost did. I should've. If this shit's gonna keep happening why-- why let it? It's not fucking fair. And I don't wanna keep living feeling like this.
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I understand, a little. Being unable to let go of anger did ruin my life, I suppose. But I think perhaps it was already ruined, or it was inevitable it would become so. So why not?
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Ichiban's the reason why I didn't. Woulda been way worse off without him, so, now...
[ surprise: he is worse off ]
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[a sad little laugh. that comment kinda assigns you gay though so sorry about that bud]
He was a good man and one of our little household, for better or for worse. As are you, whether or not you choose to stay there. [no judgment if he prefers somewhere else, after all of this.] I want to learn what became of him.
week 2; monday
this is like the only scene i prefer in english because the delivery is that good. ends 5:21 ]
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Oh my, Tomi. You terrified that man. Good for you.
[that's much more fun than revenge, actually. this memory should definitely show her that she was wrong to encourage him to bloodthirst but in general this is actually quite cool, ichiban is right.]
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...Yeah, if only I coulda been like that on Saturday. Maybe something else would've happened.
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Maybe. Maybe not. I do think there's value in showing more people here that side of you, the side that refuses to be fucked with. But what do I know.
[...]
I am sorry, by the way. My theory about Ichiban was incorrect, so I wish I hadn't brought it up.
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If I find whoever killed him, then maybe... But, I know Ichiban. He wasn't possessed and I'm pretty sure whoever killed him wasn't either. They chose to do it. That's pure fucking evil.
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[so she certainly doesn't disagree with his right to hate them.]
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...Yeah, I think so too. So, I guess it doesn't really matter if they were possessed or not. They're still shit.
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[some people want to forgive, but she's not very forgiving. at least, not at the moment.]
I suppose you no longer feel that terrifying them is enough?
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I don't know. Like, I want... Fuck, man, if it was that easy to take them out like I could have with Dwight, then-- I don't know. I don't wanna sink to that level. But threats aren't going to work on monsters.
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[she said all of those things about revenge because it makes her feel better, to put her emotions into something, and she didn't know how else to help. but there's something that feels so positive about watching him decide to handle it a different way.]
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[ which, he knows isn't necessarily true. but no matter what, ichiban could just get up and keeping fighting, pushing forward, all to do something better. tomi isn't like that. he never will be like that, but... he can take these little steps and maybe get somewhere close. ]
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[she can think of several people like that.]
The rest of us have to wade through the muck. But I suppose one can still take inspiration.
week 2; friday
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so he sits nearby, leaving a careful distance between the two of them. ]
Sorry. [ a pause. ] It's been a real shitty week, hasn't it?
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Just as last week was. Despite my best efforts, I keep growing attached.
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[ so, yeah, that can be pretty rough. the novelty of these new attachments only to have them so violently ripped away. ]
I know it doesn't mean much coming from me, but, maybe it's better to have had something than to have had nothing.
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I have people I'm quite attached to, and some I've lost. But it's a small circle. I stopped letting strangers matter to me some time ago.
Even so... people can stop being strangers rather quickly, can't they?
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[ he's looking at the ground. sorry, laudna. ]
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Yes, exactly. Once you've shared a few moments like these with others, you find yourself feeling you have a sense of them.
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...Do you think that makes you friends?
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But in this case, I suppose I would say so.
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Then, that makes things harder, I think. Y'know, just... getting to know someone like that and losing them.
[ he is not very good at explaining his process here, and he isn't even sure what the point he's trying to make is, but- she was there for him, so he's trying to be there for her, even if he isn't very good at it. ]
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It's always hard to lose someone you've grown attached to, whether you intended the attachment or not, yes.
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Just seemed like it'd be more trouble than it's worth.
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[that's what she thinks.]
All of us may die here sooner or later. But if your wish is for someone besides yourself, that may not precisely matter.