kate

[undread]

Comments

[sootprints]

[ she takes the hat, but she doesn't put it back on. she just holds it for now. ]

... I might reach a point where I can't decide. I don't know if... maybe I'm already there.

If I try to choose death, I think the monster will intervene.

And, when I tried to lock myself up on Thursday night so I wouldn't be a threat to anyone, the monster interfered with that, too.

[undread]

...Yes. Anything you can undo, I can see how that won't work.

[sootprints]

I did think of that... so I had Camille help so that I couldn't undo the binds myself.

But the monster doesn't just take control on Thursday nights. It can prepare countermeasures if it knows what's coming.

[undread]

I see.

[so that's what camille meant.]

And you're very clever and resourceful, and so is the monster.

[sootprints]

[ there's an odd mix of pride and shame at that. ]

... Lavi knows now, too. And Yuffie.

If I can't do anything by myself, then... Maybe something can change now.

[undread]

If all of us try, not just Camille, maybe we'll have a bit of better luck.

[sootprints]

Yes... I hope so.

Famine has been helping me, too. I think I would have been very lost without them. But they're limited in what they can do.

[undread]

What have they been doing to help?

[sootprints]

Giving me advice, usually. When Camille was gone, I had no one else to talk to.

They're very egotistical and sometimes express themselves poorly, but they're very direct and honest, even with a child. I like that about them.

[ there's a bit of a warm feeling, despite everything. ]

[undread]

...Yes, I can see that. They aren't the sort to sugarcoat things. They have quite the wicked sense of humor, too.

[sootprints]

They do.

They were even willing to spend Thursday with me, when Camille wasn't here, to help lock me up somewhere. Even though they hate staying with us on Thursdays and said the last time was "stupid"...

... But that was when we got transported all over the place, so it didn't work out.

[undread]

...I'm quite sorry you felt you didn't have anyone to help you.

[though she understands why she feels that way.]

[sootprints]

... I'm sorry, too. I should have said something sooner...

Whenever I heard the ways people talked about Camille, I got scared. I imagined them saying the same things about me. I thought that if I told anyone, I'd be killed.

[undread]

You might have been.

[she can't fault her for feeling that way; camille very much was killed, after all.]

I wouldn't have hurt you. But you don't have any reason to have known that. I don't really trust people easily, myself; I doubt I'd have told anyone if it were me.

[sootprints]

When everyone was saying that Camille had no choice but to die, Famine was the only person who told me "if you want to live, then live." So I've been relying on them since then.

[ there are some complex feelings there... pained and fond and uncertain. ]

But... I believe you. I did think that if anyone would understand, you might. And that you'd never do anything cruel to me. I knew that.

[undread]

I think everyone wants to assume the thing that benefits them most is also the kindest thing. I've heard so many people say, "if I were a monster, I'd want to die, so that's the right thing to do." But I wouldn't want to die. Being alive is sometimes all we have - it's the only way to change our fate.

I don't think there's anything selfish in deciding to protect your life. I'm glad you did.